| Classic TV/ Movie Lines |
| From Soul Plane: MO'NIQUE: You wanna say somethin'? I ain't slapped a bitch in two weeks. Yea, I gotta hole lotta strength in my slap a bitch arm! MO'NIQUE: Where do you think you're goin', player? We feds now, which means I can violate every last one of your civil rights. From Zoolander DEREK ZOOLANDER (as the Mer-Man): Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty. ZOOLANDER: Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking? BILLY ZANE (?!?): It's a walk-off! ZOOLANDER: What say we settle this on the runway... Han-Solo? HANSEL: Are you challenging me to a walk-off... Boo-Lander? ZOOLANDER: Or are you here to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am? MATILDA: A what? ZOOLANDER: A eugoogoolizer... one who speaks at funerals. [Matilda looks at Derek confused] ZOOLANDER: Or did you think I was too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was? ZOOLANDER: So join now, 'cause at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. Right kids? MUGATU: Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique. MUGATU: SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? You've done nothing! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will! MUGATU: It's that damn Hansel! He's so hot right now! MUGATU: Obey my dog! MUGATU: Oh, I'm sorry, did my pin get in the way of your ass? Do me a favor and lose five pounds immediately or get out of my building like now! KATINKA: I do not like snoopy reporter with lack of fashion sense, not one little bit. ZOOLANDER: Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think. MUGATU [hypnotizing Derek]: Hi Derek! My name's Little Cletus and I'm here to tell you a few things about child labor laws, ok? They're silly and outdated. Why back in the 30s, children as young as five could work as they pleased; from textile factories to iron smelts. Yippee! Hurray! ZOOLANDER: You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't. From The Princess Bride: RUGEN: Are you coming down into the Pit? HUMPERDINCK: Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work but I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped! The Ref CAROLINE: How can we both be in the marriage and I'm miserable and you're content? LLOYD: Luck? GUS: From now on, the only person who gets to yell is me. Why? Because I have a gun. People with guns get to do whatever they want. Married people without guns - for instance - you - DO NOT get to yell. Why? NO GUNS! No guns, no yelling. See? Simple little equation. CAROLINE: I had this dream... LLOYD: Do we have to do dreams? CAROLINE: I'm in this restaurant, and the waiter brings me my entree. It was a salad. It was Lloyd's head on a plate of spinach with his penis sticking out of his ear. And I said, "I didn't order this." And the waiter said, "Oh you must try it, it's a delicacy. But don't eat the penis, it's just garnish." DR. WONG: Lloyd, what do you think about the dream? LLOYD: I think she should stop telling it at dinner parties to all our friends. (The scene where Denis Leary pretends to be Dr. Wong) ROSE: You're a "Wong"? GUS: Well, my mother was Irish. ROSE: And your father? GUS: Wasn't. LLOYD: You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it. GUS: You know what, lady? I'd like to tie you to the back of a fucking truck. ROSE: You don't have the balls. [Gus leaps up from his chair toward Rose and is intercepted by Lloyd] LLOYD: Don't do it! It's not worth it. GUS: I fucking hate her, Lloyd! LLOYD: I know, I know. GUS: What is the matter with you? I thought Mothers were sweet and nice and patient. I know loan sharks who are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain't dead, lady. He's hiding. GUS: Connecticut is the fifth ring of hell. GUS: Great, I hijacked my fucking parents. LLOYD: Caroline, the day you see anything through to the end, I'll stick my own dick in my ear. NEPHEW: Mom, the TV's broken. What are we gonna do all night? CONNIE: Celebrate the birth of Christ! (The scene where Denis Leary looks through the door and sees Army Sergent) GUS: The Army? What the fuck? What am I, Oswald, here? CAROLINE: You're the one who suffocated him with limitations. Our son's a very sensitive, creative... LLOYD: Juvenile delinquent! CAROLINE: ... boy. He has the kind of imagination... LLOYD: That the mafia gives scholarships for. LLOYD: What's your name? GUS: Fuck you, that's my name. [Lt. Huff smells a mask] LT. HUFF: It's urine. LT. MILFORD: Oh thank God. Phil thought it might be semen. LT. HUFF: Phil needs to talk to a therapist. LLOYD: She's my mother. GUS: She's a fucking Bitch, Lloyd. LLOYD: You're not supposed to take sides. CAROLINE: No, no, no, thank you so much,Gus. Finally somebody else sees. GUS: You'd have to be blind not to see. CAROLINE: We had our own restaurant once. An Italian restaurant. Of course, I would have preferred French, but... GUS: What are we, girlfriends? Do I give a shit about this? No. LLOYD: [to the therapist referring to their son] In the ninth grade we said he could get a part time job. Are you ready for what he did? He started an escort service for the football team, and he gave out my mother's phone number! CAROLINE: And I still say getting laid by an 18-year-old linebacker is just what she needs! GUS: Great. I just beat up Santa Claus. GEORGE: Yeah? Well, maybe Santa won't come back next year. Maybe he and the Easter Bunny will take a fuckin' cruise to Jamaica and you can eat your own lousy cookies! BOY: Santa doesn't drink champagne. Santa only drinks milk. GEORGE: Listen. Santa can't drink no more milk. Santa has a lactose intolerance, and it gives him horrible gas pains. Do you want to see Santa farting down everybody's chimney? CONNIE: The spirit of Christmas is either you're good or you're punished and you burn in hell. CONNIE: Don't make me nuts, it's Christmas! In Bruges COLIN FARREL: If I'd grown up on a farm and was retarded, Bruges might impress me, but I didn't, so it doesn't. KEN: Harry, let's face it. You've always been a cunt. The only thing that's gonna change, is that you're gonna be an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids. HARRY: You fuckin' retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids! KEN: I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids. HARRY: Insulting my fucking kids? That's goin' overboard man! KEN: I retracted it, didn't I? HARRY: Number One, why aren't you in when I fucking told you to be. Number Two, why doesn't this hotel have fucking phones with fucking voicemail on them and not have to leave messages with the fucking receptionist? Number Three you better fucking be in tomorrow night when I fucking call again or there'll be fucking Hell to pay. I'm fucking telling you. COLIN: You're a bunch of elephants! From Medusa: Dare to be Truthful (Comedian Julie Brown's classic Madonna spoof) BENNIE: There was just something in the air tonight! MEDUSA: Lava? LYRICS TO "VAGUE" Vanna White, Ed McMahon / Nicolette Sheridan / Mary Hart, Chuck Woolery / Are as vague as they can be / Brooke Shields, Dawber, Pam / Personality of Spam / Christie Brinkley, Brosnan, Pierce / Bland and boring, something fierce/ Wilson Philips love to sing and / Wreck the cover of a magazine / Daniel Quayle's brain is gone / Debbie Gibson gives good yawn / Kelly LeBrock thinks she's great / She's just cold boogars on a paper plate / Why they're famous we don't know, but / Paula Abdul's gotta go / Ladies with no point of view / Fellas who don't have a clue / If they're stars, then you can do it / Just be vague, there's nothing to it/ Vague MEDUSA: Do you know how almost fired you are? MEDUSA: Here the crowd in the Puh-hillipines spent millions of dollars on my tickets so there was no way I could cancel. I mean, that's more than some people make in a whole year! They tell me a couple of people in the back row were consumed by molten lava. Gossip Girl CHUCK: Don't mock the scarf, Nathaniel. It's my signature. DAN (talking about Nate): Last year, I believe he had an original thought. It died of loneliness. CHUCK: I'm going to have to tell my parents the hotel they just bought is serving minors. SERENA: And if you get a drink, they're also serving pigs. CHUCK: Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty. SERENA: You just love it when a girl talks to you. CHUCK: Actually I prefer them when they're not talking. CHUCK: Who brought the sasquatch? NATE: Isn't that Carter Basin? I haven't seen him since the eighth grade when he was in the tenth. He looks intense. CHUCK: Are you high? He looks like Matthew McConaughey between movies. The guy's a loser. Look, anyone who trades their trust fund for a fanny pack flies in the face of all that is holy to Chuck Bass. BLAIR (addressing Dan): What are you doing here? Do I smell pork? And... cheese? (To Serena) Okay, well when you're done with you charity work why don't you come find me. CHUCK: As much as I love the speech about not needing material things from a guy who has that much product in his hair, this party is about excess. Not exposition. Stop talking. Start partying. DAN: She's best friends with this girl, Blair Waldorf. Who is basically everything I hate about the Upper East Side distilled into one 95-pound, doe-eyed, bon-mots tossing, label-whoring package of girly evil. SERENA: Look, I'm really sorry but this date is unbreakable. Maybe we can swing by later. BLAIR: I'm not a stop along the way. I'm a destination. NURSE: What drugs have you been taking? BLAIR: Mm... caffeine. Nicotine. Ketamine. GHB. PCP. LCD. Dir- Diazepam. Lorazepam. All the pams, really. I don't discriminate. CHUCK: 12:01. I'm sorry. BLAIR: No. You're smarmy. There's a difference. BLAIR: My answer is usually never say never, but for you I'll make an exception. BLAIR: (to Dan) Normally I wouldn't be this close to you without a tetanus shot. BLAIR: (Answering Serena's cellphone) Who dare interrupt the Van Der Woodsen as she teaches?! DAN: Dan...Humphrey BLAIR: Sorry, the number you dialed is no longer is service. SERENA: Stop it, who is it? BLAIR: I'm doing you a favor. DAN: Look I can hear you. Can I just please talk to Serena? BLAIR: Apparently you can, cabbage patch. CHUCK'S VOICE MAIL: Leave a message and I might listen to it. BLAIR: (to Serena) I must have totally blanked on the part where I invited you over (The scene where Chuck shows Blair pictures of Serena getting out of the treatment center) CHUCK: Admit it. Even for me this was good. BLAIR: If you weren't such a perv, I'm sure the CIA would hire you in a second. CHUCK: Defending my country. There's a future I never imagined. BLAIR: With good reason. What is she doing there? CHUCK: What's anyone doing there? It's a facility for the disturbed or addicted. BLAIR: You must have your own wing. CHUCK: You don't get nearly enough credit for your wit. BLAIR (to Dan): It's your brotherly duty to keep her from becoming the next Katie Holmes JENNY: Even you should know that jealousy clashes with L.L. Bean pants BLAIR: Right know Gossip Girl's credibility is like Tinsley Mortimer's after a few martinis. HAZEL (to Jenny): Now you know how Vanessa Hudgens feels LILY: When you revise the seating chart, don't forget to place Mr. Spitzer as far away from Serena's table as possible. OPERATOR: Information, city and state please. BLAIR: Brooklyn... I think that's in New York. LILY (to Serena): Don't leave your dirty package on the table. CHUCK: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that. CHUCK: Poor little Humphrey Dumpty. Look, let me clarify something for you. Regardless of who you're currently sleeping with, you and I come from different worlds. In my world, if I'm suspended or expelled, a wing is donated in the Bass name. DAN: That sounds like quite a world. CHUCK: It's not perfect, I'll admit. What do the Humphreys have to offer? Your dad's cassingle? CHUCK: You know, if my dad and your mom come back from South Africa tomorrow engaged we'll be brother and sister. And you know what they say, the family that plays together stays together. SERENA: Ah. Incest, the universal taboo. One of the, uh, only ones you haven't violated. CHUCK: I'm game if you are. From Forgetting Sarah Marshall SURFING INSTRUCTOR: When life gives you lemons, just say 'Fuck the lemons,' and bail. SURFING INSTRUCTOR: You sound like you're from London! DAROLD: What's the state fish of Hawaii? DWAYNE THE BARTENDER: The Humuhumunukunukuapua'a. Yeah, bitch! DWAYNE: Snuffleupagous fucks my shit up! DARALD: Let me just say that if God was a city planner he would not put a playground next to a sewage system! PETER: Maybe this is a sign from God that I should forget her. DARALD: Maybe this is a sign that you should be *with* her. I love her show. When they mix the sexuality and the violence, I like it. SURFING INSTRUCTOR: Aloha, man. My name's Kunu. PETER: I know, we met duing the surf lesson! INSTRUCTOR: Oh right, you're that guy who works for Kaiser Permanente! PETER: No, I'm Peter! We had a really nice talk out on the water! INSTRUCTOR: Oh. [pause] Coooool. From Devil Wears Prada: MIRANDA: Find me that piece of paper I had in my hand yesterday morning. ANDY: So none of the girls here eat anything? NIGEL: Not since two became the new four and zero became the new two. ANDY: Well, I'm a six... NIGEL: Which is the new fourteen. MIRANDA: Do you know why I hired you? I always hire the same girl -- stylish, slender, of course... Worships the magazine. But so often, they turn out to be, I don't know, disappointing and ... stupid. So you, with that impressive resume and the big speech about your so-called work ethic, I thought you would be different. I said to myself, go ahead. Take a chance. Hire the smart, fat girl. MIRANDA: I don't understand why it's so difficult to confirm an appointment. EMILY: I know, I'm so sorry, Miranda. I actually did confirm... MIRANDA: The details of your incompetence do not interest me. EMILY: You don't deserve them, I mean you eat carbs, for Chrissake! MIRANDA: ...You have no sense of fashion... ANDY: I think that depends on... MIRANDA: No, no, that wasn't a question. EMILY: I'm sorry, do you have some prior commitment? Some hideous skirt convention you have to go to? EMILY: One time an assistant left the desk, because she, I don't know, sliced her hand open with a letter opener. Miranda missed Laggerfeld who had boarded a seventeen hour flight to Australia. She now works at TV Guide. ANDY: Man the desk at all times. Got it. Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, "What if I was an ant, and she fell on me?" Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. From David Spade: Actor Wesley Snipes cited racism as a factor in his arrest for tax evasion. Another factor: his tax evasion. From Ugly Betty: WILHELMINA (to Christina): I didn't call you her to stitch, I called you here to snitch. MARK: She wants information, bitch. (pause) I'm sorry, I thought we were rhyming. BECKS (describing his time in Africa): There's not a hottie in sight. They're all sick thin, not hot thin. MARK: Are you going to be back in time for the homeless kids’ luncheon? WILHELMINA: Well, if I’m not, make sure they get their hair care products. Priorities, Mark, priorities. MARK: I have so much to learn. WILHELMINA: Stop fondling my limes and do something! MARC: Let me put out a Gay PB among the assistants, and I'll find out what's going on. WILHELMINA: Who the hell are you? EVELYN: I'm Evelyn, your cleaning lady for 13 years. JERRY O'CONNELL: You look familiar, have we met? WILHELMINA: We're not even meeting now. FASHION TV ANNOUNCER: Remember, we only make others feel bad to make you feel good. WILHELMINA (to Justin): You will be at my side at all times. You will be my seeing-eye gay. AMANDA: (to Ignacio) H-ola IGNACIO: Actually it's "Ola". AMANDA: No, there's an "h" in it. WILHELMINA: Do we know this person? JUSTIN: Kayla Brooks, fashion correspondent for New York One. She's in a midnight-blue Chanel with pewter buttons and navy stockings. WILHELMINA: Mistake? JUSTIN: Colossal. She looks like a mailbox. WILHELMINA: Mmm. You're good, Jason. JUSTIN: It's Justin, but you can call me whatever you want: I love you. FASHION TV ANNOUNCER: It was the bitch slap heard round the world. AMANDA (upon finding Betty and Harry in the copier room): Ill Dork-es interrupt-es … Hey everyone! Betty’s in heat. MARC: (Looking at Wilhelmina's purple ribbon): I thought breast cancer was pink? WILHELMINA: It is. But Alzheimers went better with the outfit. FABIA: I love your assistant. I have the same one in beige. FABIA: You must come to the ceremony. I won't be able to get married without my something old. WILHELMINA: Oh, with the veins in your legs, you already have your something blue. FABIA: Ten years gone, you could look 65 again. WILHELMINA: I'm a few years away from having a duck quack off on my face. FABIA: Whatever you say... "Wrinkle-mina" WILHEMNINA: I'll get you Fabia... and your little dog too! AMANDA: She’s a model ... shiny things confuse her. DENTAL ASSISTANT: (after hearing the sad news about Betty and Henry): I hate this girl! What's her name, so I can hate her with a name? From Will & Grace KAREN: Rosie took me shopping. I've never been to a bodega in Spanish Harlem before. ROSARIO: That was Macy's. KAREN: If it wasn't for this you'd be flying back to Cucaracha on Air Guacamole with live chickens running up and down the aisles! ROSARIO: Listen lady in my country I was a school teacher! KAREN: Yeah, well in this country you wash my bras! KAREN: Why, you ingrate! When I found you, you were boxing donkeys for cash! ROSARIO: You pulled me out of business school, you tipsy witch! KAREN: Let me get you up to speed. I own you, and what we do is none of your business. Rosario: Lady, don't be surprised if your martinis smell of Clorox tonight. KAREN: You washed up on shore in an inner tube, wearing nothing but a banana leaf and coconuts! ROSARIO: Listen, lady, I flew here on business class with my AAdvantage miles. KAREN: Oh, kids ruin everything! I mean look at the stitching on this. You cannot trust a ten year old to do a good hidden button. GRACE: Well, you've come on a good night. Jack's mother is going to be joining us, and she doesn't know Jack's gay. KAREN: How could she not know? What is she, headless? KAREN: By your inflection I can tell that you think what you're saying is funny, but... No. KAREN: It's a cult, like the Moonies, or the homeless. WILL: Karen, I am a lawyer, which means, unlike you, I actually passed a bar. KAREN: The kids will be fine. I left the limo window cracked. KAREN: Well, I guess in a lot of ways I'm kind of like a younger, much more beautiful version of Leona Helmsley. First, you marry for money, and then you find yourself loving the old coot. Then he drops dead, and you get the money anyway. It's a win-win. KAREN: How did you hurt your back? Running away from good taste? KAREN: Ugh. The subway was disgusting. JACK: Karen, we took your limo. KAREN: Oh. I've got to stop drinking those Big Gulps. JENNIFER LOPEZ: Congratulations to Karen and Lyle. I just want to say that the secret to a happy marriage is... oh, who am I kidding? KAREN: Driver, turn up the heat, there's a nip in the air back here. [looks at breasts] Oh, make that two! ROSARIO: [to Karen] Why don't I just squeeze you like a sponge. There's probably enough alcohol in you to fill a hot-tub. KAREN: You know what else is sad? Poor people who have dreams. Well that's not sad as much as it is extremely funny. KEVIN BACON: When the stalkers leave, it's the first sign that your career is slipping. Little tidbit I picked up from Val Kilmer. WILL: Wait, you did a movie with Val Kilmer? KEVIN: No, but Val was in "Top Gun" with Tom Cruise and Tom was in "A Few Good Men" with me. [pause] ... Huh, that was a short one. KAREN: You call me down to this godforsaken place, to tell me my kids made the honor roll? Honey, my time is precious. Call me when one of them gives birth at the prom! JACK: STOP IT. STOP IT. You're hawking your album during my dream? CHER: Well, someone's gotta pay for these costumes and dancing fairies. KAREN: Honey, I often ask people on my staff to do different things. Cook sometimes cleans. Cleaner sometimes cooks. Driver sometimes provides an alibi. KAREN: (to Jack) Stan sleepwalks, so if you bump into him in the middle of the night and he puts the moves on you, just go with it. You might get a mink in the morning. KAREN: [in a laundromat] What is this place? It's pretty. [starts to tap on a washing machine] Where are the fish? JACK: No, Karen, this is a laundromat. People come here to clean their clothes. Then they re-use them. KAREN: Well poor people are just plain clever. ROSARIO: You said I was your bridesmaid KAREN: No, I said that you're the bride's maid. Now get! KAREN: [to Will] Honey, I thought you were a lawyer. Why are you living in the projects? JACK: Welcome to Cynical Island, population: you. KAREN: OK, rule number one. Unless you're served in a frosted glass, never come within four feet of my lips. KAREN: [to a waiter] Hey, apron. Who said you could make eye contact? [On seeing Jack in an orange jump suit and carrying a garbage bag] WILL: And they say Tinky Winky was the only gay Teletubby. GRACE: You said that money is no object. KAREN: Oh honey, that's just a saying, like 'Ooh. That sounds like fun.' or 'I love you'. KAREN: [to Jack] Oh, Honey. You're simple, you're shallow and you're a common whore. That's why we're soul mates. KAREN: Well don't let it get to your head, your hair is already such a disaster that the Red Cross wouldn't give it coffee. GRACE: If you're looking for your Aunt Karen, she's not here. She doesn't work on days that end with...”day." KAREN: It's a victim-less crime, like tax evasion or public indecency. KAREN: Hey Hey Hey Hey, This is a place of business! We are trying to get some work done in here and we don't need you just barging... wait, I'm saying it and I don't even buy it! JACK: He's a smarty pants, Will... He uses big words like 'particularly' and 'delicatessen.' GRACE: I want to marry...”the one." KAREN: And well you should, honey. How else are you going to get to "the two" and "the three"? KAREN: Gosh, I don't think that I've ever been stressed out. Why would I be? I've got practically no responsibilities, my job's a breeze and I've got a KILLER rack. Good morning. KAREN: Where the hell have you been? ROSARIO: Riding a llama in Neverland. Where do you think? I was cleaning. [Karen is waiting up for Rosario, who has been out cleaning another man's apartment] KAREN: Well, well, well. El Pollo has come home to roost. How's Beverly? ROSARIO: Miss Karen, I was just... KAREN: Oh, don't insult me with your lies. I know where you were. Scrubbing floors for Beverly Leslie. I can smell his generic cleaning products all over you. ROSARIO: It's not what you think. KAREN: Oh, really? Is that a new Members Only jacket you're wearing? ROSARIO: So what if it is? A lady likes nice things. KAREN: [sympathetically] Oh, Grace... Grace: What? KAREN: Nothing, I just thought it needed an "Oh, Grace". From Soap Dish: JEFFREY ANDERSON (played by Kevin Kline): The test results have come back CELESTE TALBERT (played by Sally Field): And? JEFFREY: And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid... [pause] … Bran... fluid. Bran flavor. DIRECTOR (OFF STAGE): Brain fever! WRITER (OFF STAGE): Say it! CELESTE: Brain fever! JEFFREY: Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria … Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the... CELESTE: Literally explode? JEFFREY: Exactly, within the next three houses. CELESTE: Hours? JEFFREY: Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint. CELESTE: Restaurant? JEFFREY: Restaurant, yes. CELESTE: Her brain will actually explode? JEFFREY: Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing. ROSE SCHWARTZ: Actors don't like to play coma. They feel it limits their range. ARIEL: Why, Bolt! I didn't realize you were here. BOLT: Well... I am. CELESTE: Ohhh, there's so many people to thank. First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"... [At their table] ARIEL: Bitch! DAVID: Hag! MONTANA: I hate her so much! EDMUND: She's been through hell, and we're her family. So in this crisis, we have to support her. ROSE: Yeah. EDMUND: We have to love her. ROSE: Mmm. EDMUND: We have to care about her. ROSE: Mmm. EDMUND: And we have to milk it for every drop of publicity we can get. (The scene where they are looking for a young actress to play the homeless person whom Sally Field's character will murder) BETSY (the casting director): She came in yesterday. I don't know who the hell she is. Her name is Naven, Maven, Slaven... Claven... there's no agent. DAVID (the producer, played by Robert Downey Jr): Find her! BETSY: Well, what if she can't act? BURTON (the director) That never stopped us before! [DAVID snaps his fingers] BETSY: What? DAVID: [snap, snap, snap, snap, snap] We make her mute! … If she doesn't speak, we don't have to pay her as much. A homeless deaf-mute: what could be more pathetic? God, I'm good. (After wrapping a scene with her on-screen husband, Bolt) CELESTE: Next time, could you wear a swimsuit underneath the towel? It's a little early in the day for me. [walks off] BOLT: I can't act in a swimsuit. GARRY MARSHALL (playing the president of the network): I would like to voice my strong concern about this show's spiraling decline in ratings. David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean, it's been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup, and a big wave outside that cost a hundred thousand dollars. That's depressing and it's expensive, two words I hate. You know the words I like? I like the word "peppy" and the word "cheap". Peppy and cheap. From The Incredibles EDNA: I never look back, darling, it distracts from the now. |